Dear Doctor

Dear Medical Professional, You will ask about his medical history, And I will repeat the story I have told 100 times or more, The details fine tuned to the essentials I know you need: He was born full term, He has a 7 year old brother who is fit and well, He is allergic to penicillin.  You will ask me what happened, And I will answer: He is 6 years old. He wasn't breathing for 7 minutes. I gave him mouth to mouth. I will hand over a careful typed piece of A4 paper. It will tell you his hospital number, The things he is allergic to, A list of medications and doses. You will take it and smile. You'll tell me I make your job easier. I will stand calm, And in control.  You see my demeanour, my hospital bags packed and ready, And you say, You've done this before. I'll nod and say many times. But remember this; That 6 year old is my baby. That boy with the oxygen, And the wires, And the tubes, Is my son. I watched him turn bl
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The sound of a breaking heart


Do you know what sound your heart makes when it is being ripped out? 

Mine wails. 

It’s a guttural sound; primal almost. 

Initially disembodied; until eventually you realise that sound is coming from you. 

From me.

I found that out today. 

I took Little H for respite today.  A daycare session, a chance for us both to chill out, relax and have a splash in the hydrotherapy pool.  I wanted time to read, H I think was looking forward to being fussed and cuddled and stroked by the nurses.

And that happened.  And it was lovely.

But something else happened too.  Something that caught me unaware.  Something that punched me full on in the stomach, winding  me, leaving me gasping for breath.  Something that reminded me that I’m using a “Hospice”. 

Many people reading will already know how worried I am about the future, but for the most part I bury those thoughts, or rather bury my head in the proverbial sand.  When things are well, I can relatively easily go about my day to day life without thinking about, or more specifically worrying about, ‘the future’.  I look at Little H and I see a smiley beautiful happy little boy and I know the doctors, consultants, specialists ... they are all WRONG! 

Mostly, that works for me.  That’s how I get through day to day.  I’m not a martyr.  I’m not amazing.  I’m not strong.  I’m a mum.  That’s it.  And a lot of the time I am in denial.

And sometimes, every so often, I am caught unawares, and reality likes to give me a cold, hard, slap around the face. 

Like the time our Paediatrician took us to a separate room to ‘talk’ while H was in HDU and explained how serious his type of epilepsy was.

Like the time I had to resuscitate H on the side of a dual carriageway.

Like the time I read a form in his files (serves me bloody right) that said, clearly printed in black and white: LIFE LIMITED AND LIFE THREATENED.

Like today.

When I sat eating dinner next to a lady planning her son’s funeral.









This post is written as part of the #definenormal blogging challenge courtesy of the lovely RenataBplus3 from Just bring the chocolate. 

Why not join in?  Define your 'normal' and get a fancy badge, like the one on the right, to add to your blog.

Don't forget to check out the other #definenormal posts too.

Comments

  1. Wonder woman, wine and me18 April 2012 at 20:37

    Sometimes, a comment on a post is not enough... sometimes, despite understanding entirely what is written and feeling it deep inside you, you can't find the right words x

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  2. cjc18 April 2012 at 21:21

    big hugs x

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  3. Looking for Blue Sky18 April 2012 at 21:36

    No words. This post just put my big moany one in perspective xxx

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  4. Little Mama Murphy18 April 2012 at 23:15

    Thanks Katie, cjc and blue sky for reading and commenting. I do appreciate it. Your virtual hugs and knowing you are thinking of us and that you understand helps. X x

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  5. Jane18 April 2012 at 23:30

    Get that 'when it hits you' feeling but 'life limited' & 'hospice' are in a whole different arena. A virtual hug from me too - for what it's worth xx

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  6. Unknown19 April 2012 at 09:06

    My stomach knotted when reading your blog. Not usual for me to be lost for words. Read your blogs and often think about how you are. Take care xx

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  7. niamheyb20 April 2012 at 07:14

    First blog of yours I've read. There are no words. Sending you a virtual hug around you and your boys whether you want it or not.

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  8. Sally20 April 2012 at 10:04

    Lost for words (((hugs)))

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  9. Jane @ northernmum25 April 2012 at 22:36

    oh my, I dont know what words to say but sending love

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  10. Little Mama Murphy27 April 2012 at 15:24

    Jane, Nanny Anne, Niamney B, Sally and Jane (@northern Mum)I really do appreciate your kind wishes and virtual hugs. You can never have too many hugs xxxxx

    ReplyDelete

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