It’s one of those days! It’ll pass I know. And you’ll read this and will tell me what a great job I’m doing (I hope), how I’ve a lot to cope with, how it’s only understandable to feel like this from time to time. Add to that I’ve been unwell of late (nothing serious – a bit of a virus) and I’m tired so it’s understandable to be all emotional etc etc. Hang on, I’ll talk myself out of a blog post at this rate! But seriously ... do you ever just feel that you just can’t do anything right?
I just feel I’m letting everyone down. I’m not a decent mother, a decent wife, a decent daughter, a decent friend. My house is a tip. There are piles of washing everywhere. There’s no food in the fridge (though there IS plenty of wine). I shouted at Cheeky today and made him cry. Over nothing! Just because I’m tired. I can barely manage a civil word to The Husband half the time and I can’t remember the last time I was able to have a proper conversation with a friend or family member and really take an interest – I’m just too tired, too distracted, too stressed to think about anything or anyone else.
My whole life seems to be about being ‘A Carer’. Not a mum. I seem to be doing chest physio, or thinking about it, or charging the suction machine, or setting up a feeding pump, or re-fixing the bloody tape for the NG tube for the 100th time, or chasing appointments, or reading flipping hospital letters day after day after day. I don’t have time to play cars with Cheeky. I can’t find time to wash up. I can’t manage to get the two boys out to the park or the shops or anywhere. I constantly feel guilty about all the things I’m not doing and all the things I should be doing and that just makes me more stressed and incapable of doing anything at all!!!
The respite that was promised in August still hasn’t materialised – though we are using the local hospice. It’s not even respite I want – although an hour to have a bath would be lovely. I just want someone to give me a hand. I just want to feel like every single area of my life isn’t slowly falling apart.
Do you know, I used to be fun. Some days I struggle to remember the old me. I’m not sure where she has gone.